Dear Friends:

A teacher from one of our Catholic secondary schools told us this story. A visitor was coming to talk to a Grade 10 class about chastity. Before the arrival of the visitor, the teacher discussed the topic and any questions the students might have. One student had a suggestion: "Why don't you just write DON'T on the chalkboard, and then we can skip the lecture."

We are not here to lecture you. Together with your parents and teachers, we want you to know that we believe in you. We appreciate your idealism, openness, energy, capacity for friendship, loyalty, humour, and spirit of adventure. These are great strengths. We believe in your fundamental goodness and your desire to grow toward full Christian maturity. In our eyes, as in the eyes of God, each one of you is sacred.

We have chosen to write to you about intimacy and sexuality for several reasons. First, and most important is the respect and care we have for you. Also, we know how important relationships are in your daily lives. Finally, we believe that some of the messages you are receiving about intimacy and human sexuality are both false and harmful. You deserve the truth and we want to speak honestly to you. We hope you will accept our letter in this spirit.

The Way Things Are

Our sense is that those of you who are growing up at the end of the 20th century face challenges that no previous generation has known. Families are under great stress, unmarried sexual relationships are promoted as "responsible" behavior as long as protection is used, pornography is a thriving industry and AIDS and other destructive sexually transmitted diseases are a constant threat.

All of us are bombarded every day with information and ideas about sexuality. The media - television, films, radio, newspapers, magazines - are a major source. Casual sexual relationships are shown as normal and desirable, the intimate details of people's sexual lives are used as talk-show entertainment, and products are sold on the basis of their "sex appeal". These are only a few examples of the modern sexual values to which we are all exposed. The influence of the media does not destroy our Christian values or our ability to make good decisions, but to ignore or deny its impact would be unrealistic.

Your view of sexuality has also been influenced by your parents, teachers and friends. Among the topics you may have discussed at one time or another with these people are dating, relationships, the difference between love and infatuation, sexually transmitted diseases and Christian values.

We know from listening to you, and to your parents and teachers, that the messages you are getting about sex are often contradictory and confusing, or even frightening: "Most teenagers are sexually active," "Save sex until marriage," "Play it safe and wear a condom," "If it feels good and does not hurt anyone, why not?" "Sexuality is a wonderful gift"," "Unprotected sex can kill you."

How do you sift through a mixture of facts, beliefs, opinions and advice about sexuality and separate the truth from lies? How do you find guidelines for your own lives that are true to your Christian identity? And what about dealing with the pressure to be sexually active?

It is not easy.

Intimacy and Friendship

Studies and surveys of secondary students often show that they would like to talk to trusted adults, not so much about the physical facts of sex, but about friendship, intimacy and romantic relationships:

• How do you mend a relationship that has broken down because of a misunderstanding?

• Why is loneliness so painful?

• How can you be loyal to friends and keep their respect, and still be your own person?

• How do you know if you are really in love with someone?

• How do you say no to someone you really like?

This concern about personal relationships makes a lot of sense. The need for love and for close and trusting relationships is fundamental to being human. God placed these needs in all of us.

You know from your own experience just how valuable a strong friendship is. Good friends accept each other as they are: appearance, personality, interests, talents, and faults. They confide in each other and share the highs and lows of day-to-day life, as well as their hopes and dreams for the future. When one wants to talk, the other is ready to listen. Because they trust each other, they can relax in each other's presence, knowing they are safe. Their attitude is: I will be there for you.

These marks of genuine friendship - acceptance, openness, trust and faithfulness - also describe an intimate relationship, whether it is a friendship, a young couple in love, or a marriage of many years. These relationships have important differences, but in each there is the intimacy of self-disclosure. The people involved want to know each other and to be known as they really are.

Today the word intimacy is most often used to describe a sexual relationship. But the key to intimacy is the closeness, acceptance and trust that exists between two people, not whether they are sexually involved. Most of us have close relationships with family members and friends that are emotionally and spiritually intimate, but involve no sexual activity.

The capacity for intimacy grows as people develop. Friendships during adolescence are usually much more intimate than childhood relationships. You have a better understanding of yourself, a more developed personality to share with others, and a greater desire to explore the many possibilities of human relationships. You give more to your friendships, because, in a sense, there is more of you to give.

It is also during adolescence that people discover that friendship and intimacy can be painful. One of the most wrenching of human experiences is to place your trust in another person and then to be rejected or betrayed. Most people instinctively know this, and so they are cautious in the early stages of new relationships. They recognize that closeness and trust take time to grow and cannot be forced. Intimacy is a gift two people offer each other. A gift cannot be demanded, but is freely given and accepted.

Love and Sexuality

So far we have talked about friendship, intimacy and love. But we have also been talking about sexuality, because sexuality has a lot to do with love and intimacy. Some people describe sexuality as a language of love, a force that draws people out of themselves toward others. It is also a fundamental aspect of an individual's personality or identity. Sexuality - maleness and femaleness - is not something that we have, but something that we are. It is one of God's gifts of creation and involves the whole person: body and spirit.

At birth, one of the first questions people ask is: "Is it a girl or boy?" As children grow up they begin to learn about their sexuality. There is biological information: the differences between the sexes, the conception and development of new human life, and sexual maturation during puberty. Knowing these facts, however, is only a small part of understanding sexuality. What does it mean to be female, and behave as a female? To be male, and behave as a male? How are males and females supposed to relate to each other? How are sexual feelings to be handled? What is the difference between love and sex? Between intimacy and sex?

At the very beginning of the Old Testament we are told that males and females are made for each other. In the plan of God, their relationship is to be a deeply intimate partnership. Their love for each other is to be so strong and generous that it will literally overflow into new life. Within marriage, sexual intercourse is a unique sign of that love - a symbol of the unity, faithfulness, openness, trust, and mutual acceptance of husband and wife. Their children will be born into a family that is prepared to love generously and unconditionally and to create a home that is secure and nurturing.

Many of you will find this description of married love idealistic and out of touch with the world today. Some of you, from what you see around you, may believe that it is impossible to live out this Christian vision of sexuality and marriage. It is certainly easy to find people who have tried and failed, or who have rejected the vision altogether. Because our society offers confusing messages about sexuality and marriage, it is easy to become indifferent to, or even scornful of, Christian values. To many, they seem old-fashioned and unrealistic. Some suggest that God's plan for sexuality should be changed since so many people don't seem to be living up to it.

But none of us is free to rewrite this plan. We cannot make ourselves into a new kind of creation, fashioned according to whatever seems to be easiest or suits the largest number of people. We are God's creatures, and our happiness can be found only by following God's plan for us.

Chastity

What is chastity? Is it nothing more than a large "DON'T" as the student mentioned at the beginning of this letter? Or is it a positive force in our lives, guiding us toward genuine love and intimacy?

Chastity is a virtue - a power or strength - that we develop with the help of God's grace. Virtues are sometimes compared to habits - the way a person usually acts. A chaste person is consistently in charge of his or her sexual feelings, rather than the feelings being in charge of the person. Like all virtues, chastity rarely comes all at once, but is acquired day by day through the choices individuals make - choices that are guided by the desire to be a truly loving person.

There is nothing wrong with describing chastity as the habit of sexual self-control. But there is much that is left out of this definition. Also, some people may think that sexual feelings must be controlled because there is something wrong with them. But this is not true. The human body and the gift of sexuality are sacred. We are created male and female in the image of God. Sexual feelings are part of that gift, and result in a strong attraction between the sexes that for many people eventually leads to love, marriage and children.

But our human tendency to exploit others has to be faced. There is a lack of harmony in us, a disorder, even in our gifts. There are times when we take something good and misuse it. There are times when true love is not the guide for our choices. Sexual feelings are meant to serve love, but they can also be expressed selfishly: for example, by agreeing to sexual intimacy as a way of holding onto a relationship, or by pretending to care for someone so that the person will agree to have sex. This is exploitation, not love. To love someone means to want what is best for that person.

Chastity is also described as the virtue that guides us to express our sexuality according to the plan of God. We are all sexual and are drawn towards relationships. Some of these are casual; others are deeply intimate. But full sexual intimacy is intended only for marriage. Sexual intercourse is not meant to be used to respond to a passing attraction, to satisfy sexual feelings, or to express a youthful love that may not be destined to last. Sexual intercourse is a sign of fully committed love. It is a gift that a man and a woman offer to each other in marriage.

It is very tempting, especially during adolescence, to look for intimacy through a sexual relationship. Because you are experiencing new feelings and attractions, and discovering exciting dimensions of relationships and love, you want a deeper personal intimacy. This desire is natural, but at this time in your life a sexual relationship is premature. There are no short-cuts to love and personal intimacy. They are the result of a long process of growth and development, caring and friendships, efforts to be sensitive and generous toward others, and the gradual discovery of mutual interests and fascinating differences.

Sexual intimacy creates a bond. The break-up of a relationship is always painful; if the individuals have been sexually intimate, the pain is often deeper and more long-lasting. If this pattern repeats itself in a series of relationships, the people involved eventually build walls around their hearts to protect themselves from being hurt. These barriers can block the capacity for genuine, personal intimacy.

Looking Toward the Future

We hope this letter will encourage all of you to talk to each other, to your teachers, and especially to your parents about the issues it raises. No one can live your life or make your decisions for you. But with the freedom to make your own choices comes the responsibility to seek what is good and true and to consider whether your decisions are in harmony with the Christian way of life. If you are reading this letter hoping we will say times have changed and it is unrealistic to expect unmarried people to abstain from sex, you will be disappointed. The message we are offering you on sexuality and intimacy is the teaching of Christ. We have too much respect for you to offer anything else.

Many influences in today's society make the decision to be chaste a tremendous challenge, not just for young men and women, but for everyone. Each of us struggles with loneliness and selfishness. The answer lies in opening our lives to God, for we are never really alone. In the sacrament of Reconciliation we find hope, in the Eucharist, nourishment, and in daily prayer, peace. And in the people who fill our lives, we find the joy of friendship and intimacy.

Each one of you is a unique person of great value. You embody our hopes for a future, including the future of the Church. Together with all Christians, you share a special responsibility to live in such a way that your lives are a sign post to the reality of the God who made you, Jesus who redeemed you, and the Holy Spirit who guides you. The world desperately needs your witness to the priceless value of the gift of sexuality.

You are always in our prayers.

The Bishops of Ontario Easter
April 3, 1994